


She's Fallen From Grace

by SergeantPixie



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tumblr Prompt, egcw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SergeantPixie/pseuds/SergeantPixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>my entries for the Elena Gilbert Challenge Week on tumblr. Elena is a lot of things, not all of them good or kind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. With Ice Cold Hands

**Author's Note:**

> moved from FF.net
> 
> Day 1: Elena + Death

Elena learns about death the hard way. When she's sixteen years old she sits in a car at the bottom of a lake and contemplates the end. She reaches out for her daddy's hand, and lets herself slip into oblivion. She's sixteen, and she's ready to die. But instead she wakes up in a hospital bed, and she's never felt more alone in her life.

There's a gnawing pit in her stomach that whispers to her every second of every day. Every time she inhales, every time she exhales. When she blinks, when she moves, when she stands in front of her bedroom mirror and runs a brush through her hair. This is your fault, you should be dead, why are you here, you should've died with them, you were supposed to die, why are you here, just lie down and die already, die. You can do it, just die.

She carries the pit around with her, and it keeps getting bigger. She adds guilt like adding bricks to a half finished brick wall, one at a time, and carefully, so it sticks. Sometimes she's happy, but that only makes her feel guiltier, she's losing everything she has to death and the pit in her stomach. She's losing everything she is, and everyone she loves.

When she's seventeen years old she stands in a ring of fire, staring down a man with vicious blue eyes and she accepts the end, but she doesn't go down without a fight. She doesn't have her father's hand to hold, she only has Jenna's desiccated corpse, so she levels him with a glare full of hatred and fire. "Go to hell," she spits. But she still lets him wrap her arms around her, lets him move her hair from her neck, and sink his teeth into her flesh. She will be the sacrifice. She's seventeen, and she's ready to die. But instead she wakes up on a dusty old couch, and she can only be glad she's still human.

The pit grows wider and hungrier, John is dead. Her unc-her father, is dead. She killed him. She killed him and she killed Jenna. She develops a compulsive habit of washing her hands, she knows they're not covered in blood, but that doesn't erase the sensation of sticky half-dried blood on her palms. You kill everyone you love. You kill everything you touch, you shouldn't be alive. You should be dead, why aren't you dead, why are you here, go away, go to them, go to all the ones you've killed, you shouldn't be here. Why are you here? Die. Just crawl into the water and drink until you die. Inhale your parents' death. Feed your blood to the earth. Go away, and don't come back.

She feeds the pit with her sympathy and fear, she feels bad for every death, because she knows it is her fault. It's hers. It really is. She is the grim reaper, the bringer of death, just like Katherine, she only brings destruction, even if it was never her intention.

When she is eighteen years old she sits in Matt's truck at the bottom of that same lake, and fights for his survival. If she is going to die at last, she will not take anyone with her. She fights Stefan with every molecule in her, refusing to feed the pit. He surrenders and the pit seems to vanish. She can finally go. Death is hers. She lets herself sink into oblivion, hands outstretched to meet death as a friend. She is eighteen years old, and she is dead. But then she wakes up in the morgue and realizes that it could never be that easy, not for her.

The pit is back and it's gnawing off chunks of her lungs and her heart, devouring her kidneys, slinking up her spine to sip at her brain. She can't carry it anymore, it carries her. You can't even die properly. What's one life compared to all the others you have taken. Why aren't you dead yet? Why won't you just go? Don't touch the blood, let your veins dry out, succumb to your fate. You belong to death. You are death. So die.

She has too much fight in her to die this time. So despite the insidious words of her pit, she shoves herself through the bars and contorts and twists her arm to drag two trembling fingers through dusty, dirty, tainted blood. A single tear falls, because she wants to die, but she doesn't want to leave them, and then the fouled blood is on her tongue and she swallows. Death can't have her yet.

So instead it takes Jeremy. It takes the one thing she really was living for. It rips him from her grasp and drops him at her feet. And Elena learns the truth. Death will always win in the end.


	2. By the Riverside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena sleepwalks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's there, but no romance, kay?
> 
> Day 2: Elena + Water

It takes a certain kind of day for Elena to have the kind of night that finds her standing knee deep in the water under Wickery Bridge, without the faintest idea of how she got their. Her fingers immersed in the water, reaching for an invisible hand. She always awakens suddenly, jerking her hands out of the water.

With shallow, shaky breaths, she forces herself from the water, towards the boy waiting for her. Silently, Tyler wraps a towel around her and leads her along the trail that leads to his backyard. He leads her to the guest room adjacent his own and tucks her into bed like a child, holding her hand until she falls asleep. When she wakes up in the morning, he's sound asleep in the chair, his head propped on her hip, their fingers loosely intertwined.

She doesn't know how he knows. How he's there every time she is, but she's grateful. Days when she can barely get out of bed, days she sees their faces (Mom, Dad, Jenna, John, the list grows) just around every corner. Days she feels like she left her heart at the bottom of that lake. Those are the kind of days she falls into bed and sleep deeply, until she awakens to slime between her toes, tears streaming down her face as her hands search for something unknown.

And every time she turns to go back to the shore, he's there, waiting. He sits quietly, watching her, a towel folded neatly beside him. He bundles her up and leads her back to his house, sometimes she's so weak, he carries her in his arms like a child. He stays with her all night, but there's nothing romantic about it. He holds her hand so she doesn't feel alone, he stays so she won't wake up to find another person gone, not even for a second.

Her nighttime excursions are never mentioned between them, he simply leads her downstairs, and his mother stuffs her full of breakfast, smiling at her tenderly. Then he drives her home before anyone else wakes up. She's in the shower by the time they finally stir.

She doesn't know what she's searching for, doesn't know why she only searches on those days she feels at her lowest, but she knows she's glad he's there every time. If it weren't for him, she might sit on the bank forever, the frozen statue of lost girl.

Some nights are worse than others, sometimes she wakes up when her feet touch the water, sometimes she's almost completely submerged, but her hands are always searching. He's always there to make sure she gets back safely.

Once, she completely submerges, and that is the only time he leaves his place on the shore. He dives in after her and tugs her right out of the water, deposits her right onto the bank and then wraps the big old towel around both of them. She can't tell who is shaking more, her or him. His heart thunders against his chest, and hers races against her own chest. They drag ragged out of sync breaths through their lungs.

It takes them twice as long to get to his house that night.

It's the only time she asks him why. He shrugs and tells her, "Someone should be there."

He doesn't answer when she asks him how he knows. So instead she asks what she's looking for. He smiles at her. It's a smile full of pity.

"Your heart."


	3. End Up Dreaming, Instead of Sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena, Tyler, and Caroline broke into the Salvatore boarding house once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3: Elena + Adolescence

Elena, Tyler, and Caroline broke into the Salvatore boarding house once. They were sixteen and fearless. Elena and Caroline snuck into Tyler's room and drank tequila, draping themselves over his bed until he finally returned to his room. Elena hands the bottle off to Caroline and bounces over to him, a wicked grin alight on her face. He looks down at her suspiciously.

"Why are you in my room?" he asks, not bothering to wonder how they got there in the first place. Elena's wicked grin widens.

"Would you like to see the inside of the Salvatore boarding house?" she counters roguishly. Caroline saunters over and drapes her arms around Elena's neck, offering the bottle to him. He exams the two girls in front of him, and then he grins, taking the bottle from the blonde.

"Let's go," he crows excitedly, taking a long drink. The girls grin and lead him to the window, no one wanted to explain their endeavor to his parents. Elena slides out the window and nimbly deposits herself into his tree, scaling down quickly. Caroline follows, and then Tyler with the tequila bottle.

They run through the woods like the reckless children they are, swinging the bottle between the three of them, spinning and tripping and laughing like maniacs. It doesn't take them long to pass the property line into the Salvatore's woods. Elena leads them towards the back, explaining in a hushed whisper that she overheard her father telling her mother that Zach was out of town.

Caroline plucks a bobby pin from her blonde hair and makes short work of the lock, Tyler swore in admiration of her skill. Elena giggles and allows Caroline to lead her in, Tyler following after.

"Fuck," Tyler swears appreciatively, taking in the décor. Elena nods in agreement.

"This place is gorgeous," Caroline squeals, sprawling across one of the couches. Elena giggles and nods her head. She skips over to the counter full of bottles of liquor, and then searches through them, sniffing bottles and tasting daintily. Finally she settles on a Scotch, pouring herself a glass. She skips over to the center of the room, sprawling herself out on the luxurious carpet.

"Ugh, I want to sleep on this floor," she declares, lifting her head up to take a sip of her scotch. Tyler laughs and sprawls out next to her, the crown of his head touching the side of her head and the very tip of her ear.

"I second that," he groans appreciatively. Caroline moves from her spot on the couch to lounge on Elena's other side. She let's out a low sound of contentment.

Elena stares at the ceiling and smiles drunkenly, this was nice, being young and crazy, being where she wasn't supposed to be, being there with her friends.

"I wish we could stay like this," she says softly. Tyler nods in agreement, but Caroline turns to look at her, hearing the deeper note in her voice.

"Stay like what?" the blonde questions innocently. Elena stares at the ceiling, spinning her scotch 'round and 'round in its glass.

"Happy," Elena answers finally.


	4. Wrap Me Up in Chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are days Elena can hardly get out of bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 4: Elena + Grief

There are days Elena can hardly get out of bed. She forces her trembling legs to bear her weight, forcing herself to go on. It takes extra effort to tie her shoelaces. Her body feels weighed down, water logged. It takes all the strength inside her just to walk down the stairs.

It's something she never admits, the effort it takes just to go on. It's constant push and pull, she can't go on, she will go on. With vicious effort she goes about her day, teeth set on edge, struggling to hide her efforts from the people around her. She can't admit that it still hits her so hard.

She can't admit that she's still surprised when the kitchen is empty in the mornings. She can't explain how she catches whiffs of her mother's perfume in the strangest places, can't describe the feeling of seeing a flash of red hair out of the corner of her eye, and how she turns every time, expecting to see Jenna's vivacious face.

She can't explain what it feels like to walk into history class, and she's still startled that Alaric isn't at his desk. She can't admit that she's still grieving for them. She still has moments when she raises her hand to go to the bathroom and spends several long moments heaving air through her lungs behind the door of a locked stall. She can't share the bliss of waking up, smelling the phantom scent of her father's pancakes.

She catches herself planning text messages to her mother, imagining snappy retorts for John's nosy protectiveness. She thinks of a hundred things a day, a hundred things to tell someone who is not there to hear them.

They don't talk about their parents' room, the one that hasn't been emptied, just cleaned, since that day they died. She still sits on the floor of her mother's closet, inhaling the smell of her. She still crawls into the middle of their bed when there's a storm. She can't even bring herself to drink from her father's favorite coffee mug.

She can't admit that she is a girl living in the past, refusing to surrender her memories, refusing to make room for her future. What future? She's a vampire now, she doesn't have a future, she has forever.

All the plans she made before, the ones she made with all of them, her parents, Jenna, Alaric, those plans were not realistic anymore. She would not go on a college road trip with her mother. She would not help her father rebuild his classic car. She would not go to New Orleans with Jenna. She would not go to a civil war reenactment with Alaric and Damon and laugh as Damon ripped the performance to shreds. She wouldn't do these things because she couldn't do them anymore.

She lets go of the future she's planned, but she won't give up her past, won't even loosen her grip, or allow room for anything else. She terrified that if she lets go, she'll have to accept that she doesn't have much anymore. She'll have to accept that she isn't normal. She'll have to admit, that she can't let go.


	5. Burning on the Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena is not an angry drunk, except when she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 5: Elena + Alive

Elena is not an angry drunk. Except when she is. Not long after Jenna and John's funeral, Caroline finds her down at Wickery Bridge, her legs dangling over the edge and a half empty bottle of whiskey gripped between her fingers. Elena takes a long drink, staring out over the lake, pointedly ignoring Caroline. The blonde's annoyance flares up; she hates being ignored.

"What are you doing, Elena?" Caroline questions with forced gentleness. Elena takes another drink. She works her jaw, holding onto her anger. Caroline moves to sit next to her, placing her hand on Elena's wrist. Elena jerks away from her and continues to stare out over the water.

"Elena, please talk to me," Caroline says coaxingly. Elena looks down at her hands.

"Can you please just leave, Caroline," Elena says at last. She still won't look at Caroline.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," Caroline insists. Elena snorts loudly.

"I thought it was obvious, I'm the problem," she declares bitterly. Caroline stares at her uncomprehendingly.

"Elena, I don't exactly know what you mean, but trust me, you are not the problem," Caroline says reassuringly. Elena finally looks at her, her eyes glazed with tears, but anger shines defiantly in them.

"Like fucking hell I'm not, I destroy everything I touch. I'm the grim fucking reaper, I kill people just by loving them," Elena spits viciously. Caroline is taken aback by her venom

"Elena, you know that's not true, it's not your fault-" Caroline insists, but Elena cuts her off.

"Yes, yes it is, Caroline! If it weren't for me, they'd still be alive. They'd be happy. They'd be a family," Elena claims stubbornly.

"Don't say that Elena," Caroline begs. "You love them, and they loved you."

"That's the problem, Caroline," Elena explains with bitter gentleness. "That's how I kill them, I love them." Caroline has no answer. Love was always victorious over hatred and evil; but that did not change that fact that all of Elena's loved ones seemed to die.

"You know, there is a way to get out alive, Care," Elena begins casually. She catches Caroline's gaze and holds it. "Run," she insists simply. Caroline shakes her head.

"I couldn't leave you, you know that," Caroline chastises quietly. Elena snorts.

"That's what they all say, but you'll leave one way or another, at least this way it won't be in a pine box."

Caroline shakes her head. "No," she says simply. Elena holds her gaze. She puts down the bottle and then lunges forward, grabbing either side of Caroline's head, kissing her fiercely. Their teeth clash and Elena bites too hard, but Caroline lets her kiss her. Elena draws back, her mouth red with blood, and Caroline fights her urge to lean forward and lick the blood from her lips.

"What was that for?" Caroline questions, her voice flat.

"I thought you wanted to stay, that's what you have to give me if you want to stay," Elena declares. "I want it to hurt. I'm not a porcelain doll, so fuck me so hard it hurts."

Caroline looks at her friend. Elena's eyes are glazed and angry, her mouth smeared red. This is a girl who has enough anger and guilt in her to destroy a world. So Caroline shakes her head.

"No, I'll be Caroline and you'll be Elena, and we'll be friends, just like we've always been," Caroline explains stoically. Elena smiles bitterly.

"My dear, Elena no longer exists. So run, and get out alive."

Caroline smiles. "Haven't you heard?" she enquires engagingly. "I'm already dead."

Elena snorts. "So am I."


	6. I'm so Up High, I Can't See the Ground Below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena loses pieces of her identity like trees lose leaves in autumn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6: Elena + Identity/Expectations

Daughter. Elena did her best to be a good daughter, sometimes she was wild, and didn't do what she supposed to do, but she loved her parents, and she tried her best to let them know it in every way possible. She adored her father, he was her superhero. She was close to her mother, and she fostered Elena's love of writing. She tried to be a good girl for them, but then they were gone. Daughter no more.

Cheerleader. Before the accident Elena had a smile that could like up the room. Before the accident Elena had more pep than Caroline. Before the accident Elena liked to cheer on people, to make them feel good. Before the accident nothing was better than the high of performing perfect cheer stunts. Before the accident, Elena was a cheerleader. Cheerleader no more.

Teenager. Elena was a teenager, and she did crazy wild things that in retrospect, were incredibly stupid. Breaking and entering, college parties, petty vandalism, sex, all part of being a carefree wild, hormonal teenager. She didn't feel much like a teenager after the accident, she felt old. Teenager no more.

Niece. Jenna was her idol when she was a little girl. She followed her around like a puppy and copied everything the older girl did. And eventually they grew to be friends, and Jenna taught her how to sneak out her window, which was the best hangover cure, how to not get caught ditching class. And then Jenna held their family together, and Elena was so grateful for her. But then Jenna died and Elena knew it was her fault. She failed again. Niece no more.

Girlfriend. She was Matt's. She was Stefan's. She loved Matt in the safe familiar way every girl loves her first boyfriend. And then she found that he wasn't enough, that she wasn't enough, so she stepped aside. And then Stefan was her first love, and she learned so much about who she was, who she is. But everything must end. Whatever it was she had with Damon, it was too much for the word 'girlfriend'. It was more. Girlfriend no more.

Human. She was human, her heart beat, she was fragile. She aged. But truth be told, she lost her humanity before she ever became a vampire. She was a doppleganger, and that made her more than simply human. Human no more.

Daughter again. John was her least favorite person. She didn't understand him and he always said the wrong thing. So to find out he was her biological father was like a big fat cosmic joke. They had nothing in common. But he was family, and she loved him in a remote, grudging sort of way. And then he gave his life for hers. And she was guilty again. Daughter never again.

Orphan. She'd been left many times. And never in a you're-not-good-enough kind of way, but in a permanent sense. People left her, and they could never come back. Family was not for her. She was an orphan. Jeremy was all she had. Orphan.

Doppleganger. Finding out she was the exact replica of a girl who hurt people destroyed the tentative ease she had had with her face, with her body. She did not see her face in the mirror, she saw Katherine's. And then she saw Tatia's. She saw the face of a girl she would never know, and that brought uncertainty. She could hate Katherine quite easily, but she could feel nothing for Tatia. When she saw herself in the mirror, she hated and felt nothing all at once. Doppleganger.

Friend. A constant that she could not be destroyed. Even at her lowest, her meanest, her total lack of humanity, even then, she was a friend. She was Bonnie's, she was Caroline's, Matt's, Rebekah's, Tyler's, she was their friend, even when she being horrible to them. Even when she left them, she was a friend. Friend.

Sister. She was always most proud of that title. Sister, she was a big sister, and she did her best to protect her brother. She loved him, even before she had no one else left, he was the most important person in her life. Sometimes she made he wrong decision and hurt him. Sometimes she fucked up, and he got mad, but he always forgave her. Losing him was like losing her mind. She couldn't comprehend that the boy she'd given up her humanity for was gone. She'd given everything to take care of him, to protect him. And without him, she was lost. She had no purpose. So to be granted this great reprieve, to be given a second chance, was nothing short of a miracle. Sister.

Vampire. It wasn't something she wanted. She wanted to grow up, meet a boy, get married, have children, watch them grow up, feel herself grow old, and die with gray hair and wrinkled skin. She wanted a human life. But she sunk to the bottom of a lake and closed her eyes and woke up dead. Well, half dead. And then, so that Jeremy wouldn't be alone, she dragged her fingers through tainted blood and gave up her right to a human death. Vampire.


End file.
